Dr. Vang called at the close of business yesterday. The Mayo Clinic results were in.
I don’t have cancer.
I asked him about three times whether he was *sure*. I leaned on the wall and I held onto the counter with my free hand and my voice cracked and I said are you sure?
He says I don’t have cancer.
I have some unknown infection that is delaminating my trachea into bloody sloughing sheets, and we have to deal with THAT. But it’s not cancer.
This is a huge relief. Huge relief.
It is also a huge resumption of uncertainty. Uncertainty and I have an antagonistic relationship. It badgers and berates me, and I try to ignore it. Sometimes I can’t ignore it. Sometimes the what-ifs and the unknowns are just too vast to walk past, and then I spend twp hours crying on the couch worrying about the most absurd things.
Everyone had been so nice to me and now it turns out I cried wolf and now everyone will hate me for being a drama queen and also do I need to give back the nice things people gave me now that it turns out it was under false pretenses like the soft pillow my kids got me should I return that to Target and also people sent really nice emails and now I have to answer them and also I was prescribed Lorazepam to deal with the anxiety of having cancer now that I don’t have cancer I guess I better stop taking that.
And then I cried on and off for two hours.
Relief hits people differently.
Also, it was gently pointed out to me that if my response to *not having cancer* was panicked anxiety, maybe I should keep taking the Lorazepram for just a smidge longer, hmm? It’s not like the flight surgeon’s office is giving back my medical clearance any time soon.
In the meantime!
I don’t have cancer.
My throat is still peeling away in chunky gobbets.
I am on Clindamycin, for those of you who like to google people’s medicines, which is some kind of scorched-earth antibiotic.
On Wednesday I go back in and Dr. Vang takes another look and we see what else we need to do.
Thank god for the Mayo Clinc. I am still scared that *they* might be wrong, but I bet they are not.
It was zebras. Zebras, all along.