X-Men Apocalypse, a non-spoilery review

Sure, the movie had slow parts.

Sure, the actors looked bored and lost from time to time.

Sure, some of the line readings were hilarious in ways that may not have been intentional.

I sort of didn’t care.

This, this is not the X-men movie of my heart. Time has moved on and we can’t have that movie anymore. It’s, honestly, probably for the best. (Though give me a Showtime or HBO mini-series of the Bill Sienkiewicz New Mutants, set in the 80s, a glorious and loving re-creation, PLEASE.)

What this movie is, is a translation of a few themes that deeply matter to me.

1. Erik Lensherr Cannot Catch A Fucking Break.

2. Jean Grey Cannot Catch a Fucking Break.

3. Charles Xavier Is The Worst.

4. X-Men Are So Wrapped Up In Their Bullshit They Never See Each Other Unless They Are In Love And Then Only Partially.

5. X-Men Never Play To Win, They Play To Die With Integrity.

That last one, I didn’t notice that last theme until I was listening to Jay and Miles XPlain the X-Men discussing the Inferno crossover event. And, yeah, that’s really true. I hadn’t entirely noticed it when I was a teenager, but that is the X-Men. Knowing you can’t win, and fighting anyway.

I wonder how much of that is centered in Cold War feelings? The notion that absolutely nothing you do will matter because we will all die in ten years. So what you do matters only to yourself, internally. You make no mark. You leave no legacy. You die alone and only you know the manner of your life, the reasons why you stood your ground.

The X-Men are like that. And these X-Men, these 1980s movie X-Men, they are like that. Doing what they think is right and important, for no credit, believing that they will not survive.

I genuinely enjoyed this movie.



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